Resident Evil 1: PARODY
by Reiko N Josh
Summary: The Resident Evil that started it all! Who was the brilliant planner that put these people on the same team? What went through their heads when they assigned these idiots?..We gonna find out! PARODY, violence, stupidity, and swearing. FINISHED!
1. 1 DIE MONSTER!

RESIDENT EVIL 1 PARODY!

Author: I've seen so many parodies for RE:4 and 5... Nobody ever focuses on the first Resident Evil that started it all!  
So that's what I'm here to do, only I was forced to edit the story a bit so that I could fit both Jill and Chris into the story...ALSO it starts off with alot of silly humor but it mellows out to a more serious story with spots of humor in random places... WARNING: Characters have been been exposed and contaminated to stupidity while processing over the internet! But enjoy the story anyway!

Intro: July 24th 1998...

We have received reports of gruesome murders occurring in the Arclay mountains region... Victims were apparently..Eaten.  
Soon after Bravo team was dispatched to investigate. We lost contact... Now Alpha team has been dispatched to search for them...

Pre Chapter:

The helicopter flew over the mass forest of the Arclay region... "Look! Over there!" exclaimed Jill. Chris looked out and saw a smashed up helicopter. "Well we found em, can we go home now?" asked Chris as his stomach growled. Jill smacked him. "Land over there!" commanded Wesker. "Maybe they have food!" Said Chris jumping out once they had touched down.  
"Chris you're an idiot!" Said Joseph climbing out. "Oh yea! Well you're moms an idiot cause she picked out that girly head band for you!" shouted Chris. "Hey! You leave my mother out of this!" Shouted Joseph defensively. Jill sighed. "Can you two like NOT argue for one mission?"

Chris stared down Joseph. He glanced over to the wreckage then in an instant they both took off racing to get there first.

Author: "Bravo teams helicopter was totaled!...Except for the gruesome remains of the pilot Kevin."

Chris stopped drawing a cat face on Kevin and looked up. "Did anyone else hear that wierd voice?" Chris looked around and his team were already heading off into the woods. "AAH!" he cried out and ran off to catch up.  
"Chris! Hurry up!" Shouted Wesker mummbling somthing about murder.

Alpha team moved slowly and cautiously through the thick trees. Jason, a last minute addition to the team, turned when he heard a rustling in the bushes. The rustling stopped and he stood up relieved, then he heard somthing behind him and turned and was tackled by a viscious dog! "AAAH!" He screamed and fired his rifle. More dogs attacked him and then they started tearing away at him. Jill began firing at the dogs as he screamed. "HELP ME! Please! I see the light! It's so bright! Please!  
I have a gf! She's not pretty but..." Jill shot Jason in the head very annoyed. "Oops.." she said. One of the dogs turned to jill with a mouth full of flesh. She noticed it had pieces of rotting flesh and there were muscle and bone showing in some places. What could have made them this way? The dog rushed at her and jumped. Chris shot the dog. "Bullseye!" he yelled then grabbed jill and started running and shooting. The alpha teams helicopter flew overhead. "Brad!" Shouted Chris. "Where the hell is he going!" he shouted. Chris turned just as a dog jumped at him. "Oooo myyyyy GOD!" Yelled Chris in slow motion. The dog was blasted away and hit a tree. "Chris! This way!" Shouted Wesker. They started running again. "Head for that mansion!" commanded Wesker.

CHapter 1: DIE MONSTER!

Only four members of alpha team remain now...Captain Wesker...Jill Valentine...Barry Burton and Joseph...Nobody knows Josephs last name...They just assume he's an alien...Nobody knows where Chris is...

Jill, Barry, Wesker and Joseph slammed the door to the mansion and slumped down in what apeared to be the entrance hall to catch their breaths. "Hey...Where's Chris?" Asked Jill heading back for the door. "Jill!...You don't want to go back out there.." Said Wesker.

"Look at this place!... It's like royalty!" Anounced Barry. The sound of glass breaking came from where Joseph was standing and there was a vase shattered around his feet. Joseph looked up "I didn't do it...But did you see it! It was all like,  
KABLAM! And pieces flew everywhere!" Joseph said excitedly. Wesker rubbed his temples. "How did I get put incharge of a team of complete idiots..." he mummbled.

A gunshot was heard from the room to the left of the hall. "What was that?" Asked Barry. "It might be Chris!" Jill exclaimed.  
Wesker thought for a moment. "Go check it out Jill..." he commanded. Barry stepped forward "I'm coming to! Me and Chris go back a long ways!" announced Barry.

AUTHOR: "How sexist... Barry jumping forward to help the pretty girl but when it's Chris he's all like you're on you're own dude!"

Wesker nodded. "Okay, Joseph will also go with you...I'll stay here and secure the area!" he declared. Jill, Joseph and Barry entered what looked like a huge dining room with a big long table. There was also a typewriter. They walked down the long room. They found blood on the floor. "Oh my god! Look at this!" Shouted Barry. "What is it!" Asked Jill panicky.  
"The floor!...It's so shiny!...They must use Mr. Clean...Or maybe Dr. Shine..." Barry commented while rubbing the floor.  
"Forget about the floor!" Shrieked Jill, Barry sighed. "Fine miss impatient...Go check that room over there..I'll examine this blood...Lets just hope it's not Chris's." He said. Joseph was eating the left overs on the table.

Jill entered the door and walked down the hall to the left. She entered a study and saw a bald man hunched over eating somthing. A sickening ripping and slurping sound was heard. The man turned around and there was blood dripping from his chin. And his eyes were pale... He stood up and moaned and started staggering towards Jill. She saw Kenneth dead on the floor with his throat torn out. Jill screamed and ran backto the dining room.

"Barry!" Barry looked up. "What is it?" he shouted. "Look out it's a monster!" she said. "A monster?" Asked Barry.  
"Yes a monster!" She shouted. "You hear that Joseph? It's a monster!" He yelled. "A monster?" Asked Joseph.  
"YES! A MONSTER!" Shrieked Jill. The carnivore monster man stood there pouting. "Hey...I have feelings you know.."  
whined the carnivore monster man. Barry stood up and pulled out his magnum. "Stand back Jill! I'll handle this! DIE MONSTER!"  
He yelled and shot the carnivore man in the chest. "OW! Hey man! Uncool! Uncool man!" Whined the carnivore man. Barry shot it again. "DIE MONSTER!" He shouted. "That hurts man stop it!" Whined the carnivore man. "DIE MONSTER!" Shouted Joseph smashing a dining chair over the carnivore mans head. And so, the carnivore man died...Like the little wussy he was...

Jill stared. Joseph high fived Barry. "Did you see that?" Asked Joseph. "Yea man! Epic!" Said Barry. "We should report this to Wesker though..."

They returned to the entrance hall. "Wesker!" Shouted Barry. Wesker was no where in sight. "Maybe somthing happened to him?"  
suggested Jill. Joseph sighed. "I'm out of here man..." He walked over to the doors and opened one and instantly some dogs tried pushing their way in barking. "AAAH! Back! Back you horny leg hounds!" Screamed Joseph as he forced the door closed.  
Barry and Jill had already split up to search. "Guys?" called Joseph. "Hellooo?"...

XXX Chris XXX

Chris had fallen into a hole somehow while running. He was now walking through a cavern when he tripped over a corpse.  
"What the hell! Who left this dead body here!" He yelled. Suddenly The corpse came to life as a carnivore man and tackled him to the ground and tried to bite him. Chris wrestled him around and finally stabbed him in the head with his survival knife. Chris ran deeper into the cave and found an elevator and took it. He now apeared to be in a dark hallway of some large mansion. "Maybe the others are here...?" Chris started walking.

END OF CHAPTER 1! Next chapter: Miss Virgin pants!


	2. 2 Miss Virgin Pants!

Resident Evil 1: PARODY

Authors Note: Thank you! "ResidentEvilGirl" for being the first to review! I hope you will continue to review in the soon to come future chapters!

Second Notice: Sadly most of this humor...Is actually shit i thought about while i was playing through the game...  
and I put a little commentary at the end telling what happened or what went through my mind when these idea's formed...  
But it's not neccisary to read after the end of chapter is declared.

CHAPTER 2: Miss Virgin Pants!

XXXX Chris XXXX

Chris walked down the creepy dark hallway as lightning flashed from outside the mansion. He came around the corner and saw somthing that made him scream like a little school girl. at the end of the hall there were 2 little girls dressed all in white in a flash they were infront of Chris. "We will be Friends...And you will stay here and play with us for ever and ever and ever..." They fell on his bum and shrieked. "NOOOOOO!" The 2 girls giggled. "We're only kidding...We're all part of you're imagination...But we just want you to know you should lay off the nacho's...Or else you're going to die.."  
They vanished and Chris stood up. "Stupid health conscious imaginary girls!" He mummbled and headed down the hall.

Chris came into a hall where a short haired girl struggling in the grasp of a carnivore man. "Let me go!" shrieked the girl.  
"Come on...Just one bite?" Asked the carnivore man moving his mouth down to the girls shoulder. The girl screamed "NO!"  
and she stabbed the carnivore man in the eye with a silver dagger. "AAAAAHHHH! My eyeball! My precious pupiless eyeball!" screamed the carnivore man as he fell onto his back. The girl shot him a couple times with her pistol. She sighedwhen he was dead. "Why do all the boyfriends I get around here seem so interested in oral stuff..?" She asked.  
Chris walked up to her. "Hey! I'm Chris Redfield!" He exclaimed. The girl smiled. "I'm Rebecca Chambers! You're from Alpha team! Thank god!" She said. Chris smirked widely. "Come on! Lets go find a way out of here!" He said grabbing Rebecca's hand and dragging her down the hall.

XXXX Jill XXXX

Jill entered a big room that looked to be a study. She found a fancy flip lighter, some herbs and a dog whistle. She stared at the herbs. "They have weed here! AWSOME! I haven't done that since I was in high school!" She put them somewhere safe.  
She found a letter attached to the dog whistle.

Letter: A

Jill flipped it over and there was a note.

Note: B flat

Jill then found a message!

Message: "The master has trusted me to hide a certain item, this item is very prescious to the master. So I figure if i can hide it in a collar and put the collar on a viscious animal, say like the dog that hanfgs around the west balcony, then the master will be pleased. This is where you come in... Use this dog whistle on the west balcony and the dog should come running If you do this I can repay you. Remember that particular item you wanted to get you're hands on? That's right... The 1998 june adition of "Playboy"! I think if you do this I can make that happen...Good luck"

Jill put the message in a safe place and took the dog whistle and left the study. She walked down the hallways until she reached the west balconies. She blew the whistle but no sound came out. "Stupid thing must be broken..." She said and threw it over the balcony. She was about to walk back inside when a dog ran up from behind her and tackled her to the ground and started barking and trying to bite her. She wrestled it with every ounce of strength she could manage but it soon was clear her strength alone would not be enough to get the dog off her. She reached to her belt and grabbed the tazer and stabbed the dog in the eyeball with it creating crackling sparks, the dog fell off her twiching. Jill jumped to her feet and shot the dog until it was dead. "God! This is why i'm a cat person!" She mummbled. She retrieved the collar from the dog and found a switch on it. "Must...Push...Button..." She said and quickly pushed the button excitedly. A coin fell out. "Aww! What a Jip!" She said. She saw another button on the coin. "..." She quickly pushed the button and it turned into a fake key.  
Jill decided not to waste time on the hours of stupidity she could have ranted on about the key.

Jill went back inside the mansion and ran through a series of hallways, she ran into a dead carnivore man, Jills obsession to poke dead things with a stick kicked in. She didn't have a stick... She saw somthing flickering in the light from down the hall and went that way. She found an arrow sticking out of a statue. She was also obsessed with shiny things so she stole it. She skipped back to the dead man and poked him with it, almost instantly he jumped up with a growl, his skin was red. he wasn't just a carnivore man he was a super-anger-management-needy-carnivore man! He rushed at Jill and she screamed and unloaded the rest of her clip on him until he was dead. She stared at his corpse with wide eyes...She poked it one last time then ran as fast as she could through the door at the end of the hall.

She was now in a white hall with a suit of armor.. She read the inscription. "Blah blah blah blah DEATH!" She read outloud.

Author: "How in gods name did she ever graduate highschool?"

Jill looked up. "Who said that?" She waited for a response and when none came she reloaded her pistol. "Ghosts.." She whispered grudgingly.

She walked further down the white hall and found a key in the floor. "Finders keepers!" Shouted Jill and pulled the key out.  
The walls moved in and a suit of armor blocked her path. Then another suit of armor started coming at her with a spinning shield saw of death! Jill screamed and shot at the armor. When her clip ran out she panicked and threw her pistol at it,  
it bounced off the spinning blades and landed somewhere behind the armor. Jill screamed and then looked at where the key hole was. And her mind began forming a plan. She quickly put the fake key in where the real key used to be, and everything returned to normal! Jill cheered. She examined the key she just obtained. Somthing told her by the picture of the armor on the key...This must be...The invincibility key! She exited the hallway and went back to the entrance hall. She found Joseph standing like a cowboy getting ready for a quick draw with his back turned to her. "So Chris...You think you can win Jill's heart? think again punk!" He said and drew his handgun and started shooting and when the clip was empty he laughed. "Owned! Now Jill is.." he got cut off. "Joseph...Whatchya doing?" Asked Jill almost too afraid to hear the answer.  
Joseph screamed like a little girl and turned to look at Jill. "Uh..How long were you standing there?" he asked.  
Jill stared. "Long enough I guess.." Joseph laughed and casually went over to the stairs. "Well back to investigation!" He said and hurried out of sight.

Jill continued through the door on the right and then into a fancy hall with windows. She went through another door and was in yet ANOTHER hall! She picked out the closest door that looked like a bathroom, secretly she really had to use the toilet. But a bathtub filled with filthy water caught her eye. Her mother always taught her that cleanliness was a filthy habit...Which made no sense...Wouldn't that mean for you NOT to clean? Iether way she pulled the plug on the bathtub.  
As it drained a hand reached out almost grabbing her then a carnivore man sat up. He opened his mouth and nasty bath water drained from his mouth, yet another reason why water is bad for you! He stood up and tripped over the side of the tub and hit the floor. "Ouchie!" He cried. Jill looked at him "Are you okay?" She asked while still trying to fight off a heart attack. "Yea...I just hit my head...I might feel better though if I could have a bite of you're flesh..." Said the carnivore man crawling forward and reaching out for Jill's leg. "What? NO! Get away!" she yelled and stomped a hole in the carnivore mans head killing him. She then ran to the toilet and went potty.

After her potty break she went to the next most interesting door she could find and went in. The room was empty except for pretty pictures on the walls. But she saw another door and entered. She was in another study! She looked through and found a silver dagger and an old looking shotgun. She took it off it's mount and walked out the door. She quickly noticed the cieling was coming down. She ran over to the door and tried to open it but it was locked. She then started pounding on the door and yelling for help. Soon the cieling was at doorknob level.

"Please! Somebody help! I can't die yet! I have so much to live for! I'm still a virgin! Please don't let me die a virgin!"  
Someone called out to her from the other side of the door. "Jill? Is that you!" It was Barry. "Barry! Please! The door won't open!" She screamed. "Hold on!" Shouted Barry. He pulled out his magnum and shot the doorknob then opened the door.  
Jill was about to be crushed when he pulled her out.

"Wow...That was a close one...A few more seconds and you would have been a Jill Sandwhich." Barry laughed. "Thanks" Jill said relieved. Barry grinned. "I heard you say you were a virgin?" Barry asked smugly. Jill looked at him embarrassed and Barry laughed and chanted. "Jill is a virgin! Jill is a virgin! Ha ha!" Jills face turned dark pink. "Shut up dude!" she said. Barry finished laughing then helped Jill up. "Well...See you around..." He said and walked off.

END OF CHAPTER 2! Next chapter: Flesh Eaters on Drugs!

XXXX Humor Commentary XXXX

Just so you know I already have the first 6 chapters typed up on printed paper...I did it in school on my spare time.  
And as I was reading through it...I was remeniscing about how I came up with some of this shit! So i'm gonna tell you how i came up with a few things in this chapter...

Rebecca and the carnivore man: This one I hadn't even played the game yet! It actually came to me when my little brother bit my neck and I shoved him off me and yelled "What the hell!"

Jill and the Armor: This was I WAS playing the game... It was my first time on this puzzle and I didn't have the fake key at the time. So I was like taking the key and putting it back and taking it trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. And somewhere in between the lines I started shooting at the armor...And my idiot sister who's watching goes.  
"Throw you're gun!" And i was like "Duh Norma! I can't!"

Jill and the corpse: Not much to say really...I like poking things with a stick...Especially my brother! I just poke him over and over undill he gets mad and hits me! LMAO

Jill and the Bathroom: Here I kinda walked into the bathroom and I just gawked at the screen and was thinking. "Seriously?  
a fricken bathroom! What possible purpose would that serve!" I knew it made the game seem more like u were really in a mansion but WTF!

Jill and the cieling trap: Now I HAD seen this scene before I ever played this particular game...As a child when my mother bought the 1996 PS1 classic version of RE1 and 2...2 really pissed me off cause I could never get passed all the zombies in the beginning LOL but thats another story...As for 1...I always played until this particular scene then I got bored and shut it off...I didn't know how to save. But as i played this version After the scene I thought. "That's it? "Help!" and "The door won't open"? I could of thought of a million things to shout out if I thought that was going to be my last few moments! I would be singing like a canary! So this sick little joke formed in my mind!

And that about concludes the commentary...Oh but if you were wondering why I made the zombies talk...I was pondering how tortured their souls must be...One day...Human living happily...Then in the next couple hours..A ravenous flesh eater.  
So I decided to make them whiney little wussies! HELL! It makes me feel better! And thats all i really care about!


	3. 3 Flesh Eaters on Drugs!

Resident Evil 1: PARODY

disclaimer: I don't own resident Evil.

AUTHOR NOTE: yup i forgot the disclaimer up until now! haha!

CHAPTER 3: Flesh Eaters on Drugs!

XXXX Chris XXXX

Chris and Rebecca walked into the mansions entrance hall. Chris found a S.T.A.R.S. pistol. He ran over and picked it up.  
"Awsome! Now I can shoot people whenever I feel threatened!" He said putting it away.

They walked off in a random direction until they came to a candle lit hallway on the first floor. They entered a bedroom that had 2 closets. Rebecca found a diary labeled "Trevor" Rebecca held it up. "I found a diary!" She said, Chris took it from her. "NO! It's a journal! MEN don't keep diaries!" He dropped the journal "I found a yo-yo!" He squeeled excitedly.  
Rebecca picked up the journal slash diary and started reading.

XXXX Journal Entries XXXX

May 14,1998

"John woke me up late one night and said there was an accident down in the labs. I wasn't surprised, those damn fools work non stop, they never take a break it seems like, so someone was bound to piss their pants eventually. Now I have to wear this hazard suit! Damn fools..."

May 17,1998

"I've been wearing this stupid space suit for 3 days now! And they told me that I was denied for the space program! The nerve of those guys! And to top it off my skin is starting to itch badly! I guess I'll just have to endure it..."

May 20,1998

"They finally told me I could take off that stupid marshmallow suit!...Good thing to..Some wierdo's called the ghost busters showed up and ran around shooting wierd gadgets of shouting somthing about the spawn of a giant marshmallow man. What is the world coming to? My skin was a burning itch so I went to the nurse and she couldn't find anything wrong...

May 22,1998

"Skin was a burning itch...Felt like I was wearing one of grandma's home made back hair sweaters...Scratched skin like crazy! Then a piece of flesh fell off! What the hell is wrong with me!...Damn fools...

May 24,1998

John visit me today...I kill him and eat him...He was yummy tastey! Like those little free samples you get at the grocery store!...mmmm...Free samples...

XXXX End of Entries XXXX

Rebecca looked at Chris who was playing with the yo-yo. "He he! Look Rebecca! I can shoot the moon!: exclaimed Chris as he swung the yo-yo around and the string broke sending it flying and shattering a lamp on the other side of the room. "Chris...Please be serious..." Said Rebecca. Then the closet behind them busted open and a carnivore man started walking out,  
and a second carnivore man walked in through the door. "Trevor, I brought the stuff..." said the second carnivore man as he walked in. "Die you disease ridden monster!" Shouted Rebecca and fired at the seconds carnivore man repeatedly.  
Chris aimed his new pistol at the carnivore man in the closet. "Put em up!" He shouted. The carnivore man raised his hands and had 2 bags of white powder. "Whats in the bags! Is it drugs?" Shouted Chris. The carnivore man spoke in a british accent. "Well of course it is you dolt! Why else would I be hiding in the closet when the bloody police show up! Ere! Try some!" Said the carnivore man throwing the bags at Chris who unloaded his whole clip of ammo into the druggy carnivore man, he accidently shot one of the bags and it exploded into a cloud of powder that filled the room.

Chris sneezed. "Oh NO! I'm HIGH!" Rebecca coughed, they were both covered in the white powder. "This can't be good..." Stated Rebecca simply.

Chris hugged Rebecca tightly. "Huggles for Becky!" Said Chris warmly. They slid to the floor and things got really R rated...

XXXX 1 hour later XXXX

Rebecca stood up. "I WIN!" They were playing a board game called "R rated" Chris huffed. "You only won cause I'm a drug addict and hopped up on magic dust!" he comlained. Rebecca giggled. "Silly, while you were doing the 400 bottles of coke on the wall dance during the 5th inning of the mini game "Ball Band" I analyzed the powder...It was laundry detergent!...Meaning it won't get you high."

Chris jumped to his feet and did a victory dance. "Yay! I'me CURED, see, I knew rehab was only a myth!" half said half sang Chris.

Rebecca cheered. "Lets go find a way out of here!" They skipped onward.

XXXX Jill XXXX

Jill walked down the hallway and down a set of stairs. She shot a carnivore man that was coming towards her and he fell out a window. "AAAAHHH!" He screamed. Jill continued down the stairs and then heard "Hey! I found a penny!" From outside the window. She sighed and then found a note on the wall.

Dear miss virgin pants,

I left you some bullets in this room and nothing else! So please go in and get them and use them when you need to.  
signed Barry

P.S. Sorry for what is about to take place...

Jill looked up from the message. "Sorry?" she wondered and opened the door to the safe room. Suddenly a man jumped out wearing a halloween ninja turtles mask. "RAWR! I'm a turtle!"

Jill blinked. "Barry...You're pathetic..." She stated simply. Barry sighed. "Could you atleast ACT like i'm a big scarey turtle?" Jill sighed. "Fine...Get back in the closet..." Barry jumped back in the closet door.

Jill waited a moment then opened the door and barry jumped out. "RAWR! I'm a turtle!" Shouted Barry. "DIE TURTLE!"  
screamed Jill and shot Barry in the foot with her pistol. "WHAT THE HELL JILL!" Cried Barry as he fell over holding his foot. Jill shrugged. "You said to act like you were a big scarey turtle...So i did.." She explained. Barry growled. "BUT YOU SHOT ME IN THE FOOT!" Jill put on a goofy grin. "Yea! That's what i would have done if you really were a scarey turtle!"

Barry scowled. "Forget you! I'm taking MY ammo! MY turtle mask! And MY bloody foot! And leaving!"

Barry left...

Jill sighed and went in the safe room and saw the typewriter. She sat down and typed random shit then left heading back up the stairs. She used the invicibility key on a door and entered it only to find 2 more doors. She went into the one on the right and it lead to a bedroom. She found some ammo. "Wow!...The people must have been very generous to leave all this ammo laying around..." She went back to the double room and went in the other door. It looked like a makeshift laboratory.

Jill took a bee lure off of the wall and a fish hook then put the hook on the lure. She giggled. "hehehe...It looks like a bug..." She looked up and gasped then took a real bug off a lure display and looked at it with glimmering eyes. She put the lure where she found the bug. Then seen a whole display of bugs! "Aww...You must be lonely!" She said ;ike a wee little girl and put the preserved bee on the display. It was then that she noticed her greatest weakness...A button!

She gasped. "Oooo...Shiny...I really shouldn't but..." She looked around to make sure nobody was looking then pressed the button.

Author: "Nobody was there to look...Who the hell is writing this story!...Oh that would be me.."

Suddenly the bee came to life and attacked. Jill screamed and ran around firing her pistol and swatting at the bee.  
"Get away!" She shrieked, finally when she was about stung to death she grabbed an apple and threw it killing the bee.

Jill sat on the ground bawling. "I...I...I...I need my...I need my best..." She cried. And when she was done she used her herbs and suddenly as if by magic, SHE WAS HEALED!

Author: "You know...Thats a real good message for the kids and teens...When you feel bad use weeds you find growing in random places..."

END OF CHAPTER 3

XXXX Humor commentary XXXX

The Diary or Journal: Well when I came to this part of the game I was reading it...And I'm like "God...Do I have to read this!" And my friends like "YES! YOU DO!" So i mentally changed things in the words to make it more interesting.

Chris, Rebecca on drugs: That's just somthing I thought would be interesting to see...

R Rated board game: Yet another fine example of my sick demented twisted little mind!

Jill and the scarey turtle: Honestly, this came to me sub consiously, but then a few days later I was watching drake and josh, and saw somthing similar with megan and josh. So now i guess that's how i came up with it, i just forgot.

Jill and the Bee: Hey! That's what I would do if a huge ass bee attacked me!


	4. 4 And Then Capcom said LET THER BE SNAKE

Resident Evil: PARODY!

Authors Note: I'm finally getting reviews! Yay! You have no idea how much that means to me. I've given up on stories and deleted them because I thought nobody liked em. heh...These included my Inuyasha one which was my very first..No longer on the net...And a few others...But anyway, I'm excited! Not only for this story but a few of my other latest ones are getting reviewed too! So I must be doing somthing right! Now onto the next chapter! which reminds me...I forgot to tell you guys the name of this chapter at the end of the last one...Sorry...OH! And another thing! I can't decide on an ending...You know.  
Who survives and who dies...So if you guys wanna help me out with that i'd be grateful, but if not that's fine too.

CHAPTER 4: Then Capcom Said...LET THERE BE SNAKES!

XXX Chris XXX

Chris and Rebecca ran down a hallway when suddenly a man stumbled out of a door and fell to the floor. His left arm was bleeding badly and had swollen purple veins visable in his arm. "RICHARD!" Rebecca cried out and kneeled infront of him lifting his head. "Richard...Can you tell us what happened?" Richard looked at Rebecca. "It...It was a snake..."  
Chris gasped. "A snake?" Rebecca interrupted. "I swear to god chris...If you try to rip off the comedy from chapter one I'll slap you silly..." Chris giggled. "Kinky..." Rebecca slapped him then looked at him like nothing happened. "Chris...I need you to go find some serum!" Chris interupted. "Hold on a sec...Lets talk logic...You bitch slap me...Then ask a favor...Which includes traveling through a creepy monster infested mansion, ALONE!" Rebecca smiled. "Yea pretty much..." Chris shrugged "Okay, thats cool i guess..." He looked at Richard who had his eyes closed. "Psst...Psst...Richard...Are you dead yet?"  
Richard was silent a moment then whispered. "Yes...I am most deffinately dead..." Chris growled. "I could have done without the sarcasm dude!" He shouted then ran off to fetch the serum.

XXX Joseph XXX

Joseph walked slowly through the mansion halls with his rifle. He saw a doorway marked "Green room" Now Joseph...Never trusted a label before...Especially one with words...But green was his favorite color and he always slept in his bed room safely...So why the hell shouldn't he trust it? He ran inside. There were lots of plants inside, and a fountain, a water pump, and...HERBS! Joseph did a mental victory dance and ran for the herbs pulling out his pipe. But tentacles erupted from around the fountain and wrapped around his ankle and knocked him down pulling him towards it. He screamed like a heroin junky getting shot in the foot! "AAAHHH! This is what I get for wasting away on video games and never going camping with my dad!" He grabbed his hunting knife and cut the vine. Joseph then ran from the room laughing like a maniac.

XXX Chris XXX

Chris ran through the halls with his shotgun singing "She'll be coming round the mountain" He kicked open a door and ran at a carnivore man and blew him away with the shotgun not even checking to see if he was dead. He jumped down the stairs and shouted. "OMG THERE IT IS!" as he saw the medicine room. He landed but the carpet slid and he went sliding towards the china cabinet. "HOLY SHI.." he crashed into the china hutch. "I'm Okay!" He got up and went into the medicine room and grabbed the serum and started running back to Rebecca and Richard. As he passed the carnivore man he had shot as it started to stand up and he unloaded a shell into its back blowing it away again without stopping. "DAMN KIDS!" shouted the carnivore man.

XXX Joseph XXX

Joseph walked into a dark room backwards for dramatic effect until he bumped into someone. They both screamed. Joseph threw a punch and at the same time got punched by the other person. Joseph stumbled and tripped and flipped over a coffee table.  
The other person stumbled and crashed into a trophy case. Joseph held his gun to the person and the other person grabbed his gun hand and aimed his gun, which Joseph grabbed. The restled eachother for a moment until the lights turned on. The other guy was Barry. And they both looked over to Wesker who was watching them. "What are you doing?" He asked seeming annoyed.  
Joseph was dumbfounded. "uuh..OOF!" Barry knee'd him below the belt and faced Wesker. "I was just searching the mansion..."  
Joseph tackled Barry. "ASSHOLE!" Shouted Joseph. Wesker sighed. "I don't have time for this..." He said leaving.

XXX Chris XXX

Chris ran into the hallway. "I got it! Rebecca I got it!" Rebecca was trying to keep Richard awake. "Good Chris, give it to me quickly!" Chris was jumping up and down. "You shoulda seen it Rebecca! I was AWSOME! I shot this old guy and ran past him and then i slipped on the carpet and crashed, but thats okay cause it was FUN! LIKE A MAGIC CARPET RIDE!" He explained.  
"Chris! Give me the serum! Richard won't last much longer!" Rebecca shouted. "And then I grabbed the serum and ran back but I shot the old man again and he was all like OH NO YOU DIDN'T! And i was all OH YES I DID!" He continued. " Hand me the serum!" Rebecca screamed. "And then I made it back safely to you...But the important thing is..I got it..." Chris moonwalked while singing. "I got it! I got it! Oh yea yea yea! No dying here tonight! Oh no dying here tonight! No no no dying here tonight I got...AAHH!" Rebecca drop kicked Chris and took the serum and then injected it into Richard. "Phew...He's gonna Be okay.." Chris sighed. "Jeez Becky! Why did you wait so long to give him the antidote?" Rebecca attacked Chris.

END OF CHAPTER 4! Next chapter: DIE NINTENDO DIE!

XXX Humor Commentary! XXX

Chris and Rebecca part 1: I just think...Being in a situation where you could die next to a pretty girl or hot guy could fuck with ones mind...So i choose you're mind to fuck with! LOL

Chris and the carnivore man: I can't take all the credit for that one...I was chatting on MSN when I asked "What would an old timer say if someone pulled out infront of him while driving?" And my friend Alice replied. "DAMN KIDS!" but the shoot and run thing was my idea mainly because I have done it a couple times in the game.

Joseph and Barry: What can I say...Joseph...Nobody likes him...Which is why capcom killed him with his only line being "AAAAHHHHHH" and Barry...Well..He's cool, but I just think he's too macho...

Chris and Rebecca part 2: Just me being a retard I guess...Thats somthing i'd actually think about doing if someone say..my SISTER...was bitten by a poisonous snake...

And that pretty much wraps it up...Except the original title i was going to give this chapter was "SNAKEZILLA" and I guess I didn't get far enough to put the snake fight in... It was SUPPOSED to be the next scene with jill right after the chris and rebecca one...But then I thought...No way would Richard heal THAT fast! PLZ REVIEW!


	5. 5 DIE NINTENDO DIE!

Resident Evil 1: PARODY

Author Note: I'm a bit worried now...Cause as I said before, I had pre written everything you read so far at school and printed it off. So I re typed it on the laptop and posted it on fan fiction. My main worry is NOT that it won't be funny, but that I will miss something important about the game! I had done the pre written stuff as I played through the game and now I've completed it. So I'll do the best I can... plus…This chapter has a lot of randomness….Mainly because I'm not feeling too good right now…. (June 23rd)

ALSO this is my first chapter using spell check YAY!

chapter 5: DIE NINTENDO DIE!

XXX Jill XXX

Jill entered an attic looking area. There were scrapes all over the floor and walls. She was about to decide it was a dead end when Richard ran in, his shotgun in hand. "Jill! Look out! There's a snake in here!" Jill frowned. "I'm not the same naive little girl I was when you first met me Richard..."

XXX FLASHBACK XXX

Jill walked up to Richard for the very first time. "Hi my name is Jill!" Richard smiled. "Hi I'm Richard! And this is Hissy!" Richard said holding up a large garden snake with fake fangs. Jill screamed and ran out of the room with Richard laughing his ass off.

XXX END OF FLASHBACK XXX

Richard was giggling hysterically and then he re composed himself. "I can't seem to recall that incident..." Jill sighed. Suddenly a giant snake slithered down the wall. "HOLY SHIT!" Screamed Jill. Richard laughed. "Sissy!.." He said and cocked his custom assault shotgun. "Time for some payback!" He said. Jill punched him. "You asshole! You're still trying to scare me aren't you!" Richard stumbled a bit. "What? No! Jill this isn't a trick!" Jill laughed. "Riiight...Like a snake could REALLY get THAT big!" She said and walked over to it. Richard yelled. "Jill! Look out!" He shoved her out of the way as the snake lunged for her, it swallowed Richard in one gulp. "OW! It scratched me!" cried Jill. " Richard?... Richard? Where are you! RIIICHAAAARD!" Jill cried out. "What?" came Richards Reply.

Jill looked around. "Richard?" She looked at a bulge in the snakes stomach. "Jill! Help me! It's all gross in here! I'm too young to be digested! I don't even have a girlfriend!" Jill patted the snakes belly. "Sssh...Don't worry Richard! I'll have you out in a jiffy..." Jill spotted something on the ground. It was Richards shotgun! She squealed with delight and picked it up.

"Alright Richey! Get ready to...OH MY GOD THERES A SHINY!" She ran over to it and grabbed it. She turned around and held it up and some sort of victory music played.

Dialog: "You received The DEATH MASK! Try equipping it to one of the yellow arrow buttons to use it!

Author: "Hey! Wrong video game dumbass!"

Jill growled. "Stupid sky spirit I'll do what I want!" She shouted and fired the shotgun at the ceiling. The snake hissed and slithered up the wall and into a hole. "Jill! Help me!" Jill waved bye to Richard. "Say hi to you're grandmother for me Richard!" She called after him. "What! My grandma is dead!...Ooooh…Alright I will!"

And with that Jill skipped out into the hallway. Suddenly she felt very dizzy. "W…Whats wrong with me…?" Jill fell to the floor and her vision became blurry, her arm was burning like the time she put icey hot on it thinking it was tanning lotion. "Jill!" She looked up and could just make out Chris's form and someone else, it was a female. Jill forced herself to stand up. "You two timer!" She punched Chris lightly on the chest a couple times. Chris looked confused. "Huh?" Jill shook Chris. "Y…You knew we we are one of the Resident Evil series best couples…." Chris looked even more confused. "Resident Evil? Jill what the hell are you talking about?" Rebecca was prepping a serum shot when Jill punched her in the nose. "AAH! What the hell is wrong with you!" Jill tackled Rebecca and started slapping her. Rebecca started slapping back and soon they were ontop of eachothher and still slapping. "Chris! Chris! Get her off me!" Screamed Rebecca as Jill gave her a huge wedgie.

Chris stared with wide eyes and slowly took out his cell phone and took pictures. Suddenly Jill passed out from the venom. Rebecca quickly gave her the shot and then glared at Chris. "You had a cell phone this whole time!" Chris nodded. "Yea…I always take the phone everywhere…" Rebecca growled. "Why didn't you say something! We can call for a rescue!" Chris shook his head. "No! I can't waste minutes on my cell! I don't have any roll over minutes with me!" Rebecca tackled Chris and grabbed the cell phone but it flew from his hand and smashed against the wall. Chris giggled. "Did you see that! That was soooo cool!" Rebecca curled up in the fetal position. "Well I'm Gonna Take Jill somewhere safe…." He retrieved his memory card and then picked Jill up and took her to the medicine room.

XXX Wesker XXX

Wesker walked into a secret room that looked like a cryogenic chamber. He saw some of the most famous Nintendo characters in history frozen. "I don't remember this in Umbrella's research reports…."  
He looked through the computer. "So…Even the Nintendo company has prototypes…..I knew it….Capcom is in league with Nintendo! They said I was crazy….But I knew..I knew!" Wesker laughed maniacly but tripped over a tube and it broke. "Shit! Better take mothers word for it…." He pulled out a roll of duck tape and taped the tube back to the wall. "Once again mother…You are right…Duck tape fixes everything…." He chuckled to himself as he walked out unaware of the water starting to gather on the floor.

XXX Chris XXX

Chris and Rebecca came to a dining room. "Wow! Look at all the gold and silver!" explained Chris. They continued on their way after stealing everything that looked like it had value. They came to a hallway. And there was a a carnivore man down the hall. "DUDES! Like! Whats up!" Chris twitched. "DIIE!" Him and Rebecca fired their pistols rapidly at the carnivore man emptying their clips. The carnivore man fell to the ground. Chris and Rebecca reloaded and walked past it. They unlocked a door and went in. Chris stepped back out into the hallway and shot the dead carnivire man one last time then went in. "Was that really neccessary?" Asked Rebecca. Chris smirked and shook his head with a sigh. "Becky, Becky, Becky...Becky...What good is having loads of ammo if you can't have fun with it?" Rebecca smacked him. "We DON'T have loads of ammo! There could only be so much ammo in the whole fricken mansion! This isn't resident evil 4! Enemies don't drop random ammo whenever they die!" Chris looked confused. "Resident Evil 4? What are you talking about?" Rebecca blinked. "What? What were we talking about again?" Chris blinked. "Wow… You're as whacky as Jill...OH Y GOD! LOOK! A PIANO!" Chris started jamming out to I love Rock and Roll but and it was so horrible that all the zombies on the first floor died instantly and back in raccoon city there were car accidents and tons of people were screaming for mercy Rebecca passed out.

Suddenly Chris's playing was interrupted when his cell phone rang. The ring tone was "Moonlight Sonata" And it opened a secret door. Chris answered the phone. "Hello?" He waited for an answer.  
His sister Claire started screaming at him from the other line. "Chris! Are you attempting to play an instrument again!" Chris stammered but lied. "N..No…I wouldn't d..do that Claire…" Claire cut him off.

"Don't lie Chris! Everytime you play music a kitten dies! And my new kitty just died! So I'm telling mom!" She hung up. "NOOO!" Screamed Chris putting his cell phone away. He went into the room and switched the wooden plaque for the golden one. He then ran back to the dining room and put the golden one where he found the wooden one. He jumped up on the table and did a table dance. "Yea!"

Barry walked into the room and wanted to puke when he seen Chris swinging his shirt over his head. "Good god Chris! Put you're shirt back on!" Yelled Barry. Chris did a back flip off the table and put his shirt back on and then his green led vest. "Barry! Dude! Glad you're alive!" Barry groaned. "Barely alive….I'm starving! I came here to eat the left overs…." And with that he started cleaning the plates that were on the table. Chris shrugged and walked over to the clock and looked at it. It was some kind of puzzle… He loved to mess with clocks cause it screwed with peoples minds. Then he got an Idea. He changed the clock to 6:00. "Barry! It's 6:00! You know the rules! 5:00 is dinner!" Barry looked up. "Hey…It's 5:00 somewhere…." He laughed. Suddenly some people walked in playing music and singing. "it's 5'oclock somewhere" Barry and Chris screamed. "They're infected! Shoot them!" Barry and Chris quickly blew them all away. Chris sighed with relief.

XXX Joseph XXX

Joseph was walking through the courtyard. He had a look of horror on his face. Suddenly some dogs walked up to him and growled and he got a sudden sense of dajauvoo. He screamed and fired his rifle as fast as he could killing them. "Yea!" he shouted and skipped straight to a local residence whistling Yankee Doodle.

XXX Jill XXX

Jill woke up in the medicine room. Her head hurt really bad. She stood up and noticed there was a blue strapless shirt and a blue and white skirt laying on the bed with a letter. She read it.

"Dear Lover Lips!

To show you I would much rather peek at you through a hole in the RPD's womens locker room wall than Rebecca. I found this outfit for you to wear. Please put it on because you would look very sexy in it!  
Sincerely Dr. Muscles!

P.S. I'm actually Chris…..And I'm working on a body building plan."

Jill put the outfit on and then walked out of the room. She decided to head to the basement. She unlocked it with the sword key and then some dialog came up.

Dialog: "You have no more use for this Key… Would you like to dispose of it?"

Jill blinked. "How do you know I won't need it again?"

Dialog: "I know everything…..Would you like to dispose of it?"

Jill looked suspiscious. "If you know everything….What will I do when I get home?"

Dialog: "Take you're shoe's off of course…Now answer the question"

Jill still wasn't convinced. "I don't know…. It's a really pretty Key…"

Dialog: "BITCH! I WILL KILL YOU! AND IT WON'T EVEN BE CREATIVE! I'LL JUST TAKE YOU OUTSIDE TURN YOU AROUND AND STAB YOU IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE NUMBER 1!"

Jill sighed. "Fine…You didn't have to get all grouchy about it…" The key disappeared and Jill went inside.

She walked around the basement She saw a dead man on the floor. There was also a sink full of dishes and food left out. There were maggots on both the food and the dishes. Suddenly a giant gorilla wearing a red tie walked up to Jill. Jill screamed "AAAHH! It's Donkey Kong!" The gorilla screamed. "AAAAHH! It's some chick I've never seen before!" Jill pulled out her stun gun and tazed him in the forehead. "AAAOOOWWW!" Screamed Donkey Kong. Jill pulled back but he was still standing so she tazed him in the chest. OOOAAAAHHH!" howled Donkey Kong. Jill delivered the finishing blow and jumped kicking him in the chin knocking him back and then landing both feet on his chest upon landing breaking some ribs.

Author: "Hey! I don't remember being able to do that in this game!"

Jill flipped the ceiling off. "You know what…You just keep typing up the story, and I'll worry about how I fight okay?"

There was no response.

Jill walked over to the counter when suddenly pots and pans crashed and a chimpanzee tackled her face clinging to it and shrieking like a delinquent. "MMMPH!" Jill screamed and grabbed her stun gun and tazed him in his pride. The chimp shrieked and fell to the ground twitching. Jill quickly shot him twice with her hand gun panting. She noticed the chimp has a red T-shirt and a baseball cap. Jill stopped for a moment. "Why do I taste…AAHH! NASTY!" –she wiped her tongue on her shirt. Then out of no where a man with a porno mustache and wearing green and blue overalls with a green cap ran up to Jill.

"Hey! Mario! I found a the princess!" he cheered. Jill wasting no time shot him in the head! Then a short man with red and blue overalls and a red cap laughed evilly. "Aww! Luigi! It's a too bad for you! You are a all out of lives Luigi! It's a game over for you!" He kept laughing and Jill screamed and unloaded the rest of her clip into him. Jill was panting like a maniac now. Then she stood up and reloaded her pistol and fixed her hair then walked back to the door where she was met with a carnivore man in a tuxedo. "OH MY GOD! ITS JAMES BOND!" Squealed Jill with excitement. The carnivore man staggered towards her. "No, I'm his under appreciated brother… My acting career never took off so I'm taking roles as recurring enemies in Capcom games…" Jill gasped. "You bastard!" She took Richards shotgun and blew him away. "Now I will never probably never meet James Bond…" She pouted.

END OF CHAPTER 5: (Sorry No chapter name preview cause my pre written chapters are gone…But Trust me theres more…)

XXXX Humor Commentary XXXX

Jill, Richard and the Yawn: Basically….I based this off my own stupidity and immaturity…But the most important factor is my mothers fear of snakes LOL! When I was young I showed my mom a garden snake and she screamed and I quickly got rid of it. Then Theres Richard…. I think he's kind of a dumbass… I mean really….If you were fighting a giant snake and you killed it…. Wouldn't you want to MAKE SURE ITS DEAD!...? Also…. I just love to make fun of Jill….

Jill and the death mask: I'm just kind of a Legend of Zelda fan…. And then I started making my own comic books with a friend about Zelda and other games and with the Zelda one well… I would write things like "Link found the master sword! It's totally awesome! But don't run with it! It's still considered a sharp and pointy object!" or "Link found the bow and arrow! YAY! Now he can shoot random people he feels sexually threatened by!" And other stupid stuff like that….

Jill V.S. Rebecca: Well….As I play through the game with Chris…I am constantly noticing Rebecca is always so TOUCHY with Chris….like. "Chris….Please be careful…" And she'll touch his shoulder/arm or grab both his arms in like a half hug sorta thing. And just things like that….Even with Richard! When you go to get the serum for Chris! You have the option to interact with the unconscious Richard and she'll sit on the bed and caress his cheek and whisper his name! Now…Theres a word for someone like this….A couple actially….the first one being…."Clingy or nervous toucher….now the other….I can't seem to recall….5 letter word…..Rymes with Door….hmm…..I can't think right….Some people like them better then a campfire smore….Ahh..Well….I can't remember…..Or can I….?

Chris and the cellphone part 1: This may sound stupid…..But I've always wanted to smash my cell phone….Just to be able to say I did it…. As for the taking pictures…That was a bonus….

Chris and the cellphone part 2: I thought Claire needed a role in this….And in my eyes she's a cry baby….Hey…If you like her, god bless you, I don't hold nothing against ya…Infact I'd rather play as her over Chris any day… But she just is sooo annoying sometimes…

Wesker and the Nintendo room: hey…You can't tell nobody but….secretly…As a child…Wesker was a huge Nintendo fan….Ssh…

Jill and the Nintendo people: That's just my sick ass humor kicking in…Go ahead…You can say it…"Mada'am! You are a sick sick moo cow!" hmmm..Yes…Yes…Indeed I am…

Jill and the outfit letter: It just seems to me like….Well…With girls like Jill and Rebecca in the RPD….They HAVE to have a peep hole! You know they do! And if not those bastards are probably stealing secuirity tapes and selling them on Ebay as listed "Romantic Comedy's" …psst…The comedy is that they don't know they're being watched! Lol….

Jill and the Dialog spirit: Well….What can I say….I'm a retard… But There were so many ways I wanted to go with this one! "Turn you around and strangle you with the letter C"…."Knock you down and chop you up with the letter P"…."Slap the shit out of you with the letter S until it looks like a drunk 3" But eh…those would be creative….

Chris, Barry and Its 5'O Clock Somewhere: Don't get me wrong…I love that song….But really…If you had a gun in you're hand and some random people danced into the room playing music coincidentally after saying the songs name….What would you do?...If you say dance I swear to god you will wake up at exactly 1:00 AM and I will be standing at the foot of you're bed with a rusty axe and chop you're legs off! And before I leave I'm going to put the CD "It's 5'o clock somewhere" in you're stereo!...Naw Just kidding…

Jill and Jim Bond: It's a sad life living in the shadow of a successor….My brothers a lawyer….When I visit my reletives and they ask me how is my brother I tell them of his success…Then they ask how I've been and I tell them my criminal record…..And possible future vandalism plans…

THANK YOU! I PLEASE REVIEW! Every review I get urges me to update quicker! And believe me I will see them almost instantly if not the next morning….I check my email every freakin day!

P.S. If you would like to talk to me personally about this story and what it could use or you're feelings...My email adress is also my MSN lol...But be warned! If you just contact me to Flame me to hell!...I swear...To god!...And all the witnesses reading this paragraph...That I will mentally hit you with a rolled up news paper and laugh in you're face! REVIEW! LOL


	6. 6 They can dance?

Resident Evil 1: PARODY!

Alright! My confidence has been restored after the great reviews I got on the last chapter! So I realized! I wrote those damn pre written chapters! So why the hell shouldn't I be able to write the rest! YEA!

This chapter contains an original song parody from a very famous singer! And please feel free to make fun of it…Cause I just threw it together in like 5 minutes….But hey….Maybe I'll perfect it by the end of the story…I don't know I haven't decided yet. Oh and thank you to those who have reviewed so far and especially to those who have already reviewed on my one shot sequel REHABILITATION.

Disclaimer: I wrote the parody to the song but I don't own what it was based off.

Chapter 6: They can dance!

XXX Jill XXX

Jill walked out the back door. She walked around wondering why she was outside with all the creepiness. Jill found a grave with a set of stairs and decided to go down. She saw a large coffin held up by 4 chains. She saw a statue on the wall that looked like her mask so she put it on the stone face.

One of the chains broke. Jill wished she had more masks. Just then Chris came walked in. "Jilly bean!" He shouted and tackle hugged her. Jill laughed. "Chris! Thanks for the outfit, but I don't think we have the rest of the masks for this puzzle….Chris examined the coffin and the stone faces. "The hell with this!"

Chris started shooting the chains holding up the coffin until they were all broken and the coffin fell.  
Jill cheered and ran over to the coffin and looked inside. There was a ugly red carnivore man. It rose to its feet quickly. Jill went to shoot it but Chris shoved her to the ground. "Dad! Is it really you!"  
The carnivore man staggered towards him. "Chris! You dumb shit! What are you doing here!"

Chris hugged the carnivore man. "Daddy!" The carnivore man pushed Chris away. "Get away from me Chris! I'm hungry!" He growled as he staggered towards Jill. Chris pouted. "B-But dad!..."

The carnivore man waved his claws telling Chris to be quiet. "Go play dolls with you're sister while I eat you're little friend." Chris got mad. "You never have time for me!" He opened opened fire on the carnivore man until he was dead. Jill stood up. "You're dad is a freak Chris…." She said. Chris started crying and ran out of the tomb. "You never understood my family!"

Jill sighed and walked over to the coffin and picked up a metal and stone object. "Wow…." She said and ran to catch up with Chris.

XXX Barry XXX

Barry finished eating all the leftovers in the dining room and layed on the table. "Wooa boy…...Better make some more room…" He said as he unbuttoned his pants. "Ahhh…" Just then Wesker walked in. "Barry…" He said and walked over to him. "I want you to eliminate the other members of Alpha team…"

Barry looked at him funny. "Why?" Wesker's expression didn't change. "Because You're family wants you too…" He said holding up a letter from them. Barry took the letter. "Why is it written in crayon?"  
Wesker shrugged. "Because….Crayon is trendy now." Barry still didn't seem convinced. "Well…Why is it written on official RPD paper?" Wesker grinned alittle and waved his hand. "You will Ask no more questions…" Barry blinked. "No…I'm pretty sure I will…" Wesker cursed the starwars movies for not being realistic. "Just do you're job Barry!" He said and walked off.

XXX Chris XXX

Chris was arguing with Joseph who he had ran into. "You can't just use a fricken game genie you dumb ass!" Shouted Joseph. Chris growled. "I'll do what I want Damnit! How else am I going to survive the game!" Joseph slapped Chris. "HA! How do you feel about that!" Yelled Joseph who in turn got punched in the nose by chris and fell to the ground howling in pain. "Pretty good actually! How do YOU feel?" he asked and then took the game genie from Joseph. "Now I can finally beat Mario Kart for super Nintendo!" Jill walked up past them without a word.

Chris continued his way through the mansion and found a balcony where he found Forest sitting dead in a chair! "Ha Ha!" Laughed Chris as he walked past him. "That'll put a stop to him trying to beat my high score at target practice." Suddenly he heard the chair tip over and he looked. Forest staggered towards him. "…..Help me Chris Redfield…You're my only hope…" Chris lowered his gun. "Dude…Did you just make a Star Wars reference?" Asked Chris rather annoyed. "uhh…Yea…Why? Too much?" asked the carnivore Forest. Chris laughed. "No no! It was good! NOW DIE!" He said and shot Forest in the head.  
"How ya like them apples! The savior just destroyed yo sorry ass!" Chris walked away laughing.

Jill came by a few minutes later and found Forest's grenade launcher. "Sweet!"

XXX Wesker XXX

Wesker was walking through a grave yard in the courtyard. Suddenly Carnivore men started crawling from they're graves and pulling the lids off they're tombs and they slowly surrounded Wesker who pointed his Samurai Edge at them trying to decide who to shoot first. Then a black man in a red leather jumpsuit rose from the grave. Wesker squinted through the mist to get a better look. "Michael Jackson?" He wondered. Suddenly the thriller music started playing randomly and the carnivore men began dancing. Wesker looked around and was confused to wether he should shoot them or just walk away.

The carnivore men started shuffling to the right with the undead Michael Jackson leading the dance.  
Wesker shook his head. "I don't have time for this…." He said and started to walk around them but they blocked his path and danced towards him making him back away. The undead Michael Jackson started singing.

XXX Music XXX

It's close to be-d time, And somthing twisted's going down outsi-i-ide...  
Out in a moo-n stream, You see a sight that changes the whole sce-ee-een...  
You try to thiiink, but nothing seems to come to you're mind...  
You start to snee-e-eeze, as relization hits you like a sign!  
You're enzy-yme!

Cause he is WESKER! Yow! Wesker man!  
And nothing's gonna stop him from succeeding in his plan!  
His name is WESKER-! Wesker Man!  
You're fighting for dear life inside his crazy madman plan!

Wesker growled at them. "Out of my way you mindless scum!" Michael Jackson and the carnivore men started walking towards him snapping their fingers. Wesker backed up and aimed his hand gun at them warningly.

XXX Music XXX

You hear a bomb blow,and realize there is no where left to hi-i-ide!  
You feel a col-d chill! And wonder if you'll ever see you're wife!  
You close you're eye-eyes! And hope there is a vaccination! Ooo-OH!  
But all the whi-le! You feel the virus ripping you're insi-des!  
It's un-dying ti-ime!

Cause you're a zombieee! Carnivore! Man!  
There ain't no second chance against the man who stole you're life!  
You know he's WESKERRR! Wesker man!  
And you're fighting for you're life inside this his crazy madman plan!

Cause he is Wesker….

XXXX

Wesker yelled in fury. "Shut up!" He started firing and blowing brains all over the graveyard. One of the carnivore men grabbed wesker from behind but wesker grabbed his arm and shoulder threw him to the ground infront of him and quickly stomped on his head. He reloaded quickly and then shot Michael Jackson who then fell to the ground. Wesker started walking away. "And so ends yet another pop sensation…" He said as he tossed an incendiary grenade behind him and setting them all ablaze.

XXX Jill XXX

Jill had crossed the courtyard and entered a shack. There was a fire burning in the fireplace. She went up the stairs and found a diary.

January 12th

Daddy says there was trouble at Mr. Spencer's house… He says not to go there. He said he had to go and get mommy and to stay inside. As soon as he was gone I went and seen the sharks. Miss sparkly teeth was especially in a good mood today!

January 14th

Daddy is still not back with Mommy….I drew on the walls pretty pictures for mommy…I hope she likes them.

January 17th

Daddy brought mommy home! I was so happy! But I got a very hard spanking for drawing on the walls…But I guess everything is okay…But mommies constant screaming for us to kill her is bugging me…

Jill heard the door slam. She drew her pistol and she thought she should crawl out the window instead but then she seen a bowl of ice cream! She ran over to it and kneeled down and started eating it. Then she was hit over the head by something hard. Everything went black.

END OF CHAPTER 6

XXX Humor Commentary XXX

Chris and daddy carnivore man: This is kinda just more of a WTF moment... I don't know if it was funny...But I enjoyed writing it.

Joseph and Chris: I based this off a very unusual argument I had with my brother...It ended much the same only the argument was about memory cards...

Chris and Forest: I didn't really understand in one of the games how Forest managed to speak! And let alone they included him in his own fricken game mode "One dangerous Zombie" Where the fucker runs around with a vest of bombs on him! And if you shoot the poor bastard the damn mansion blows up! WTF! I wanna know what the hell is so special about a man dead in a chair that they would feature him in his own game mode AND alter the meeting scenerio! I personally like the one in the original where you find him dead in the balcony and crows all over the fricken place! and also! It was day time in that particular part of the original! So i believed some Forest embarrassment was neccissary to bring his special status down!

Wesker and Michael Jackson: Well...I had read the complete biography of Wesker from birth to his death...And I was thinking about writing something all about him through the series! Then I just had to write a song about him and his plans...But I got lazy and then in a response to a friend on here I threw one together in like 5 minutes.

Jill and the diary: I just think those diary entries were too fricken creepy! So i spiced em up.

Self Review: THIS CHAPTER SUCKED!

Second self review opinion: YEA! NO SHIT! DON'T QUIT YOU'RE DAY JOB!


	7. 7 Tentacles, Sharks and Barbies!

Resident Evil 1: PARODY!

Now that I've worked on my fictions for Fiction Press. I can get back to working on this one! If only my readers on my fictions on that site left reviews like some of you do. It's really discouraging when you work so hard on something and people can't find time to show they're appreciation. But anyway. I only managed to play alittle farther in Chris's profile. I'm at the part where you have to solve the book puzzle (far too easy) and I think Rebecca gets caught by the plant if I'm not mistaken… I don't know… ha! This is why it's important to play through the game! But I suck at chemistry so the whole V-Jolt thing is going to throw me off… I should fail at least a dozen times…. But on the bright side… I'm going to beat the game in under 3 hours! Yay! Unlike my first run with Jill which took me 17 hours and 46 minutes and sum seconds…. Okay on with the chapter! P.S. I need some votes done here! Should Rebecca and or Barry die? If you don't vote I'll probably do whatever I want lol.

CHAPTER 7: Tentacles, Sharks and Barbie Dolls!

XXX Jill XXX

Jill woke up laying on the floor by the fire place. She noticed there were Barbie's everywhere… She heard the slinking and rattle of chains. She looked over at the door and seen a hideous deformed woman walk in, her flesh was torn and she had a face sewn onto her own face, her back was arched badly and she had a large shackles with chains dragging on the ground. Jill's eyes widened "It's the ghost of the hunch back of Notradom!" Screamed Jill backing crawling backwards. The hunchback lady staggered forward. "My name is Lisa…Would you like to play dollies with me?" She asked sweetly.

Jill aimed her grenade launcher at her. "No! It's a trick!" She screamed and fired it at her, the explosion made Lisa shriek and she fell to the ground dead. Jill cheered and did an Irish victory dance. Then Lisa stood up again and screeched. "You'll pay! This dolly costed a lot of money!" Jill pouted. "I'm sorry…How does 20 bucks sound?" She said handing Lisa 20 dollars. Lisa looked at it realizing it was monopoly money. "Hey! That's not real money!" she growled. Jill twitched. "Well that's not you're real face!" She shouted and then bolted out the door.

XXX Chris XXX

Chris and Rebecca were walking through the courtyard when Brad signaled on the radio. "Can anyone hear me? This is Brad! Is anyone down there alive? I repeat! This is Brad! If you're listening I would like to order a meat lovers pizza, extra cheese, extra pepperoni! And replace the sauce with BBQ sauce! Please! If anyone's down there contact me!"

Chris picked up the Radio "Brad? Brad! Are you there?"… "Chris! Is that you!" Asked Brad over the radio. Chris gave Rebecca the thumbs up. "Yea! I-…AAH SPIDER!" He screamed and hit the radio on the wall crushing a small spider. "Chris? Are you alright?" Asked Brad. "Yea I just had to Kill a spider-"…  
"Chris! Are you there? Come in!" Chris shouted into the radio. "Brad!...Damn…It's busted…"

Rebecca rolled her eyes. "Gee… I wonder how that happened…" Chris laughed. "Don't be silly Rebecca! We all know Richard doesn't take care of his radios." Rebecca sighed and they kept moving.

XXX Wesker XXX

Wesker was in the mansion Residence when he met with a man named William Berkin. "Now all of my plans are falling into place…" Explained Wesker. Berkin nodded. "Mr. Spencer wished you to have this…" He said handing Wesker a vial of reddish liquid. Wesker Examined it. "Cranberry juice? Are you insinuating that I have bladder infection…?" Berkin shook his head. "It's a special virus developed just for Mr. Spencers "Wesker Children"…So far it has killed them all so good luck!" Wesker nodded but mentally cursed because he really needed some cranberry juice then looked at Berkin. "So let me get this straight... You want me to inject myself with a virus...That has killed hundreds of others with no signs of success?" Asked Wesker. Berkin simply nodded. Wesker shrugged. "Sounds good to me..."  
Berkin pondered for a moment then asked "So what do you plan to do now that you have it?"

Wesker laughed evilly. "Now I will carry out my original plans to test the members of S.T.A.R.S. and when they succeed I will invite them all to a party…OF DOOM!" He laughed maniacly and Berkin backed out of the room slowly.

XXX Barry XXX

Barry ran around the courtyard mapping it out and trying to decide on a suitable place to ambush the others. It was then that a large lizard man jumped up to Barry. "Rawr! I'm a scary lizard!" Barry gasped.  
"So that's how furries were born! They are descendants of the T-Virus!" The lizard sighed. "I'm going back home to my mom… Ever since people got into furries no one gets scared any more…" he whined as he walked off. Barry looked confused and then headed towards the Residence, He ran into Jill on the way. "Jill!" He called to her as he ran up to her. "Barry…" She said surprised to see him. Barry slapped her on the back grinning. "I'm proud that you managed to survive this long!" Jill was confused. "What do you mean by that?" She asked. Barry shrugged. "I don't know…Follow me!" He said running into a cave behind a waterfall. Jill followed not knowing why.

XXX Wesker XXX

Wesker was standing by the cave entrance eating a fireball burrito. Suddenly Captain Enrico ran by and swiped it screaming. "Mine!" And laughing like a mad man. Wesker chased after him. "Damnit! Give me back my damn burrito you stupid taco!"

Author: "Hey! That's racist Wesker!"

Wesker kept chasing him but flipped the sky off. "FxxK YOU!"

XXX Chris XXX

Chris and Rebecca entered an underground laboratory. They continued walking till they came to a flooded area in front of a door. Chris opened it and he the room was flooded and it was pretty deep!  
He saw Joseph standing on a bridge eating beef jerky. "Joseph you bastard! Give me some of that beef jerky!" Shouted Chris running over to him and snatching the bag. "Fine! I got plenty more where that came from!" Yelled Joseph walking over to his bag that was hanging on the broken fish tank that took up most of the room. The music from JAWS started playing and Chris looked up from trying to rip a piece of beef jerky. "What's that…?" Joseph shrugged. "I don't know..It's been playing on and off ever since I got here…" Chris nodded and kept eating.

Rebecca spotted a huge shark swimming towards Chris. "Chris look out!" She screamed running towards him. Suddenly Joseph pushed Chris out of the way trying to grab the beef jerky. "Give me it! It's the last bag!" Chris struggled to take it back but suddenly Chris saw his shoe was untied and decided safety over hunger. He bent down to tie it just as a huge shark jumped out and engulfed Joseph in her jaws. Joseph screamed in pain like he was dying a slow death. Chris growled. "Shut up Joseph! I'm trying to concentrate!" The shark shook Joseph as it bit down and then it pulled him under and swallowed him whole. Chris saw what was happening and ran to the rail. "Joseph….Get back here and give me that jerky!" Rebecca grabbed Chris and they started running. Sharks were swimming after them. Suddenly Chris grabbed Rebecca. "Rebecca! My main character senses are tingling! Get down!" He yelled and pulled her to the ground as the giant shark jumped out of the water and tried to devour them!

Chris got up and picked Rebecca up bridal style and did what any manly video game heroin would do in this situation. He ran like hell screaming like a little girl. He went into a room that had roots everywhere.

At that moment 2 tentacles wrapped around them and pulled them up through the floor.

XXX Jill XXX

Jill and Barry came to a dead end in the cave only to find Enrico sitting and eating a burrito. "Jill! Is that you!" He said. Jill nodded eyeing the burrito. "Get away! This is mine! You hear me! My burrito! Mine! All Mine! Get away you jerks!" Jill kneeled by Enrico. "Ssh… Tell me what happened Enrico…"

Enrico looked down a moment. "Everything is not as it seems… Umbrella…. They…Are using human testing in Bio weapons…But…Then they took my best friend…I was a very lonely child you see…And my only friend was a decorated taco shell… I loved her… I was going to marry her one day and then…Umbrella took her away!" Suddenly a gunshot was heard from behind and Enrico gasped and fell motionless. Jill looked but no one was there besides Barry. Enrico gasped again. "I'm okay…As I was saying..Ubrella…They are evil…And.." There was another gunshot and Enrico fell motionless again. Jill looked again but still no one. Once again Enrico came gasped. "I-I'm still okay…And then-…" There was a whole mess of gun shots and this time Enrico's head exploded. Jill looked and seen Wesker standing there. "Damn fool! When I shoot you you're supposed to die! Didn't he read the script!"

Jill stood up. "Wesker! You're behind all this aren't you!" Wesker sighed. "Jill…I'm sorry but I am… But theres also something else Capcom hasn't told any of you yet….The REAL reason I wear contacts in the beginning…Is because I work for M.I.B….." He said holding up a pen looking thing. "Smile…" There was a flash and Jill forgot everything. "Now…You're name is Jill valentine…You are a member of S.T.A.R.S. and have been trapped at this mansion with no way out…You secretly love Chris and just witnessed Enrico die mysteriously…Also I was never here…" he said and ran off. Jill blinked and looked at Enrico. "Barry…I think Enrico was murdered…" barry was sleeping in the corner and woke up. "huh? Oh yup sure was….Lets go…" He said leading Jill out of the area.

Suddenly there was a boulder rolling at them. Jill screamed. "Run Barry!" They started running. Barry was humming the Indiana Jones theme song. At the last second they dove into a conveniently placed gap in the wall avoiding a very bloody death that was censored by Capcom in every re-made version of the adventure.

They walked through the hole the boulder made and Jill found a elevator. "Oh no! It goes down! That means there's something is going to happen!" Said Jill. Barry just nodded and they went down.

Barry looked around. "Jill! Go check it out…I'll stay here and uhh….Watch the elevator… Don't wanna get a parking ticket." He said smiling. Jill huffed. "Whatever Barry… Wait...How do I know you won't just leave me here to die when i walk out of sight?" She challenged. Barry looked at Jill. "Jill...I won't leave you...I promise." Jill nodded and left. Once she was inside she saw Lisa walking towards her with a Barbie. "Plaaaaaaaayyyy With meeeeeeee!" She moaned. Jill twitched. "No thanks…I don't roll that way…" She said and cocked Richards shotgun. And blasted her. It didn't seem to phase her as she kept walking forward. Jill blasted her again and again until finally she shrieked and fell to the ground. Jill ran back to the elevator but saw Barry going up. "Barry!" She screamed. "Get you're macho ass back down here!" She yelled. He didn't listen...She dropped to her knee's and cried.

XXX Chris XXX

Chris woke up and looked up to see Rebecca staring up, so he looked up even further and seen a large pod shaped flower with many budded tentacles sprouting from it. Chris stood up and loaded his pistol.  
"Ready Rebecca?" he asked. Rebecca nodded holding up a sub-machine gun. Chris gawked. "Where the hell did you get that!" Rebecca giggled. "I found it of course." While Chris was Gawking a tentacle wrapped around him. "AAHHH! Rebecca! HELP!" Rebecca nodded. Hold on Chris! I'm going to run off and do a lot of confusing unneccisary shit to save you instead of just shooting the flower to death!" She screamed and ran out of the room.

XXX Rebecca XXX

Rebecca ran to the closet and tried to open it but it was locked! She seen a pass code… She rubbed her head a moment then got an idea. She started pushing keys making it sound like a crazy frog song.

Nothing happened….

Rebecca growled and looked at the table and poured some sulfuric acid on the locking mechanism and the door opened. She found some jars and quickly mixed together some V-Jolt! She then ran to the aqua ring and ran for her freaking life screaming like a little girl as the giant shark chased her! "Oh sweet Neptune!" She screamed as she ran into the room with the roots. She dumped the V-Jolt onto the roots.

XXX Chris XXX

Chris was released from the tentacles grasp. "Rebecca you did it! You're amazing!" he cheered. Suddenly the plant grew back and looked pissed off! Chris sighed. "Useless woman! She can't do anything right!" he said cocking his assault shotgun that he found in the aqua ring. "Bring it on!" He said And fired at it's flower. It screeched and wilted away leaving Chris to stare in disbelief. "My shotgun is magic….." He whispered.

END OF CHAPTER 7!

XXX Humor Commentary XXX

Honestly this is all just me being really retarded X3

I'm sorry but I forgot to take my medication that keeps me "Civilized" as my Brother says.

Jill & Lisa: Basically... I think Lisa was a very sad sad person...I found all the entries by her, her father and her mother...They were all rather sad... So I decided to make Lisa this innocent but "I'll kill you" attitude!

Brad and the Radio transmission: Okay if you were flying in a helicopter for 12 hours...Wouldn't you get hungry?

Chris and the radio: Personally, richard as a communications expert...I don't think he would be carrying a radio you can't talk into...But it could have been damaged in the crash i don't know...But now we know for sure why it doesn't work!

Wesker and Berkin: I don't exactly know where Berkins lab is...Or where he actually talks to him at... But I didn't have internet when I wrote this so..Details details...And seriously! That serum looks like cranbarry juice!

Barry and Jill: I don't have any particular reason here...Just being stupid...

Chris and Joseph: I know the sharks were infected with the T-virus but I thought they needed a reason to attack.

Chris, Rebecca and Neptune: I always loved watching the death scenes like being eaten, ripped in half, decapitated, smashed, impaled,  
ect. And it saddens me now that ever since RE4 things just went down hill...The only good part is it's fun, and easier to see and aim...Better graphics (Which I could really care less about the graphics...Graphics in my opinion aren't everything...) but the effects that made it a hit...have been censored to the point it's pathetic! i mean what the hell! Take Left4Dead for instance! I don't see the media bashing that to the point they're forced to censor the gore! And Dead space! (Which didn't impress me at all...They tried way to hard to make it scarey and I just had to laugh at some parts, if you don't believe that, i don't really care. Not saying its a bad game but they just tried too hard to make it scarey and i didn't find it scarey at all...) but like RE5 they censored the chainsaw decapitation! when it hits you it zooms in to you're shoulders just right so you can't see the head cut off and then you fall so you still can't see... And it's the same for almost ALL the cool deaths...in the original resident evil when a zombie bit you, there were blood stains on you're clothes until you used a healing item. anyway... as for the main character senses... That was just me being stupid.

Jill and Barry part 2: I thought there needed to be some humor in the betrayal. Not much, just alittle.

Chris, Rebecca and Plant42: I absolutely HATE this part of the game! So i could do NOTHING but make fun of it!

Please tell me what ya think of it and I'll update soon as I can.


	8. 8 Final showdown! OR Reborn!

Resident Evil 1: PARODY

Okay! I'm sorry for not updating for so long but you guys arent the only victims.. ALL my fics haven't been updated in a while… But I have no excuse other than chatting on yahoo messenger.

So welcome to what MIGHT be the last chapter… Depending on how far I go with this chapter.

Anyway ON WITH IT!

Chapter 8: Final Showdown OR Reborn!

XXX Chris XXX

Chris had been going on and on about how magical his shotgun was when he heard gun shots down the hall. He ran there dragging Rebecca on her ass by her wrist. Wesker was shooting, he stopped and looked at Chris. "Wesker!" shouted Chris. Wesker raised an eye brow. "What are you shooting at Wesker..?" Wesker quickly pulled the picture of his STARS team off the wall. "Er.. Nothing Chris…Nothing at all…Listen, I think theres some things left undiscovered back at the mansion…I want you to check them out." Suddenly Chris's cell phone rang. "Oh excuse me…Hello?" Wesker stared in disbelief then looked at Rebecca. "He had a cell phone..?" Rebecca sighed. "I know right!" Wesker rubbed his temples. "Doesn't anybody follow the script!" asked Wesker out loud. Chris kept talking. "Guess what mom! My shotgun is magical!…uh…Yes…uh huh….MOM! Of course I'm wearing clean underwear!…I gotta go….Love you too…" Chris hung up and then unbuttoned his pants. Rebecca's face turned red. "OH GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" she shrieked. Chris sighed. "GOD Rebecca….I'm checking to see if my boxers are clean!" Wesker took this opportunity to walk away. Chris re buttoned his pants. "Lets go Becky!" he said dragging Rebecca back to the mansion.

XXX Jill XXX

Jill was running circles around the cave shooting Lisa. "Plaaaaayyyy witttthhh meeeee!" moaned Lisa.

"Fine! If I play dollies with you will you show me how to get out of here!" Jill screamed. Lisa nodded and they played dollies. "You be the mommy…" Said Lisa. And so they played for about five minutes until Lisa got pissed off. "You're a horrible mommy! I'm bored!" Jill clapped. "Then you'll show me the way out?" She asked. Lisa sighed and handed Jill a book. She looked at it. It was the official guide to Resident Evil 1/Resident Evil Re make and Resident Evil ARCHIVES! Jill skipped her marry way to the exit while reading every detail.

XXX Barry XXXI

Barry ran through the courtyard humming the mission impossible theme song. Suddenly he bumped into a 18 year old blonde girl wearing an old style blouse and skirt. She screamed. "AAAHH! Its Riccardo!" Barry screamed. "AAAHH! It's some chick I've never seen before!" A German Sheppard attacked Barry biting his hand and the girl cheered. "Go Hewie! Get him!" Suddenly Barry shot the dog making it yelp. "Nooo! Now I'm infected!" He glared at the girl then blinked. "Hey… I think you're in the wrong game…." The girl took out a map. "Really..? I followed the map… Haunting Ground should be right here!" Barry apologized for shooting her dog and then in return shot her as well then proceeded on.

A game over screen came up and Barry's voice laughed maniacly as there was the sound of flesh tearing.

Barry stood there with wide eyes as he heard this and slowly backed away.

XXX Jill XXX

Jill walked into the mansion panting. "This is very tiring…." As she walked suddenly a big lizard monster jumped through the door screeching. It tackled Jill to the ground and bared its claws readying to decapitate her. Just then Chris ran in with his shotgun in hand.

"Behold vile creature! My magic shotgun and its magic cock of doom! It'll be the last cock you'll ever see!" He shouted and cocked the shotgun blowing the creature away. He ran over to Jill. "Jill are you alright!" Jill screamed. "Chris look out!" Jill screamed as the creature was behind him. Chris ducked just in time as the creature swung its claws. Chris stabbed it in the back and then kicked it finishing it off. When it was over he blinked. "What just happened…?" he asked confused. Jill hugged him. "Thanks Chris! That furry scaley lizard monster man almost got me!" Chris cheered. "I'm a super hero!" He ran off before Jill could say anything else. Jill walked to the main entrance and found a iron gate that was conveniently left open. She entered and followed the hallway till she saw Barry. She walked towards him slowly. Barry looked at her and thought. 'Oh shit…. It's the same look my wife gives me when she catches me eating cake at night…I'll handle it like I'd handle my wife…' Barry smiled. "Jill… I'm glad you're okay.." Jill walked up to him. "I'll bet you are…" Just then Barry pulled out his magnum but Jill swiped his gun. "Barry, you are a traitor! And you make me sick!"

Suddenly they heard chains rattling and turned to see Lisa staggering into the tomb. Jill thought for only a second. "Unfortunately, She makes me even more sick!" Said Jill handing the gun back to Barry, he smirked and turned "Thanks Jill! By the way can you loan me a dollar for the pop machine?" Jill sighed and handed him a dollar. "Thanks!" They started shooting at her mercilessly. "We're gonna fill you so full of led we'll need a fork lift to toss you over the cliff!" Shouted Barry. Jill stopped and looked at Barry. "What the hell is wrong with you!" She yelled and as she was distracted Lisa smacked her with her shackles sending Jill crashing to the floor. Jill bumped into a stone block. She looked at it. "Barry! I think if we push these stone blocks off the cliff something will happen!" she said. Barry shrugged. "Naw… Lets just waste a shit load of ammo on her and kill her the hard way!" Jill shrugged and kept shooting, eventually Lisa fell off the edge after some quick and careful positioning. Jill cheered and some music began playing as Barry and Jill danced in sync to the song

"U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi you ugly! Eh! Hey! You ugly!"

XXX Chris XXX

Chris was walking through the halls when he heard Rebecca scream. "Rebecca!" He shouted and ran to where she was at. Once he got there he found Rebecca in the study cornered by a scaley lizard monster man! It got closer to Rebecca as she tried to open the locked door it swiped its claws and blood splattered onto the wall and Chris said what must be the most intelligent thing said in a situation like that…

"REBECCAAA!" He shouted. "What..?" Answered Rebecca. Chris blinked and looked at the ground and saw Richard. "AAAHHH! My face! I just got out of the snake and now THIS!" The scaley lizard monster man apologized profusely. "I'm sorry sir! I'm really really sorry! That's all on me! My bad buddy!" Chris soon got bored and shot the scaley lizard monster man. Rebecca kneeled by Richard. "Richard…how did you get out of the snake?" Richard thought for a moment. "Well…after several hours in its stomach I slowly moved to the bowels and…" "OH MY GOD RICHARD!" shouted Chris.

Rebecca sighed. "How are you feeling?" Richard smiled. "It hurts alittle but I can live with it." Chris patted Richards shoulder. "I'm sorry Richard….But no animal should have to suffer….I'll put you out of you're misery." Before Richard could protest Chris shot him with his hand gun. Rebecca slapped the shit out of Chris. "What the hell Chris! What! The! Hell!" Chris growled. "Everyone at the RPD party kept calling him an animal Rebecca! And he was hurt! So I put him down!" Rebecca's eye twitched her mentality was almost to the point of no return thanks to all the time she spent with Chris.

XXX Jill XXX

Jill walked through the labs below the mansion. She and Barry had split up split up to search. She entered one of the labs she found a naked carnivore man. "What the… Why the hell are you naked!" She shrieked. The naked carnivore man crossed his arms. "I'm a nudist for you're information… And you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover." Jill blinked. "Why not? That's where the title is at…" she stated simply. "….Good point…" Said the naked carnivore man. Jill shot him dead and then looked around the lab. She found a letter to someone named Ada.

XXX Letter XXX

Dear Ada,

"Oh how I have longed to see you naked. But every time I tried you punched me in the eye…. Anyway… By the time you read this letter I will most likely be dead. I have decided you'r body haunts me in many ways. And so I went to release a deadly virus into the mansion…But before I could someone else had done it already… So here I sit looking at your photo while enjoying the time I have left….Just so you know The passwords to the computer are our names…And there is another password which is CELL…That is all I have to say…."

XXX END OF THE LETTER XXX

Jill noticed the paper was kind of sticky so she put it down quickly. "Ew…" She said wiping her hands off. She then proceeded to go to the computer labs. She typed in the password "ADA" and some doors were unlocked. Then she typed in the password "JOHN"…"Oh my god!" Jill shrieked and fumbled around to close out of what came up. Apparently John had some very weird fetishes….Jill then typed in "CELL" And some more doors were unlocked. She walked down the hall and came to an elevator. Just then Barry ran up. "Jill…." He said. Jill smiled alittle and pushed the button. Barry gasped. "The elevator goes down…. That's a bad sign Jill…" Jill rolled her eyes and they got in the elevator and went down.

XXX Wesker XXX

Wesker heard the elevator coming and sighed. "What does an evil villain have to do to get a good henchman around here…?" He said and injected himself with the special virus provided by Mr. Spencer.

XXX Jill XXX

Jill and Barry walked into a lab with large containment tanks. Barry laughed and got behind one and it made him look all squiggly. "I am Mr Barry Monster Man!" roared Barry. Jill giggled and kept walking.

Wesker stepped out holding his S.T.A.R.S. addition Samurai Edge hand gun. "Ahh.. Miss Valentine…" he said. Jill looked at him. "Wesker? Have you found a way out of here yet? And what are you doing down here?" she asked. Wesker grinned. "I'm copying UMBRELLA's research data…" He said turning to the computers. Jill pointed her handgun to him. "So! Your behind this then! Why?" she asked angrily. Wesker said nothing and Barry pointed his magnum at Jill's back. Jill turned to him. "So…. You really are a traitor Barry…" She said dropping her gun. Barry sighed. "He said he'd kill my family if I didn't help him Jill…I'm sorry…" Wesker pointed his gun at Jill. "Good job Barry…" Said Wesker smugly.

Suddenly Barry felt a gun press to his back. "Drop the gun Barry!" Said Rebecca. Barry dropped it, then Rebecca felt a gun pressed to her back. "Drop the P-shooter Becky!" Screamed Chris like a crazed cop.

"Chris! What are you doing! I'm on your side!" Chris blinked as it all came back to him. "Oh…Right, I forgot…" Wesker's eye twitched from behind his sun glasses. "How very perceptive of you Chris….Retarded as usual…." He said and aimed at Rebecca and shot her. Rebecca fell to the ground crying out. Chris watched in horror as memories of batman's parents getting shot came back to him from a cartoon he used to watch. Chris growled. "Wesker you bastard!" He said and pointed his gun but Barry aimed his gun before Chris could. "Drop it Chris." Said Barry. Chris did as he was told. Wesker chuckled. "Excellent…Now go guard the Elevator Barry…" Barry looked confused. "From who! Everyone is already here!" Wesker frowned. "Just do it Barry! God…I'm so sick of back sass from this team! I thought when we met we agreed we'd trust each other?" Wesker complained. Jill rolled her eyes.

"Yes Wesker….We are soooo in the mood to trust you right now…" Wesker smacked Jill with his gun.

"Shut up…If I wanted someone to talk back I would get married…" Barry went to guard the elevator.

Wesker grinned and pushed a few buttons on the control panel while still aiming his gun. And some lights some lights lit up a water tank. And showed a scary looking super mutant man.

Wesker stood admiring it. "Isn't it beautiful?" He said. Jill gagged. "Are you sure that isn't liquid AIDS he's drowned in?" Jill said in a disgusted manor. Wesker thought for a moment. "I don't know…. But I'm gonna drain the water so I can ask him who his personal trainer is…" he said and pushed the release button. The water started draining and the super mutant man came to life. Wesker grinned. "Isn't it beautiful?" he said. Chris spoke up, "You already said that dude…" Wesker blinked. "Oh…Okay."

Suddenly the super mutant man stabbed its claw arm through the glass and impaled Wesker. "Oh shit….I think I've been stabbed…" He said as the super mutant man lifted him up impaling him further.

Chris stared in horror. "you THINK!" he shouted. The super mutant man flung Wesker across the lab and stepped out of the broken tank flicking the blood off his claw arm.

Barry rushed in. "Holy shit!" he shouted and fired a couple times at the super mutant man. The super mutant man walked up to him and slammed his arm into him flinging him into the wall knocking him out. Chris stared in utter amazement. "Hey! How much can you bench!" He exclaimed excitedly. Jill punched Chris in the arm. "Chris! That thing is trying to kill us!" Chris sighed. "Jilly bean…" he said putting his hands on her shoulder. "We're going to have a lot of people trying to kill us all our life…Its perfectly normal…But if you see a beached whale wielding a machete…That's out of the ordinary okay? Tell me that shit…Because-.." Chris was interrupted by a slam and flung to the ground. "OW! Jill! I think that thing is trying to kill us!" Jill rolled her eyes. "Brilliant observation…" Chris grabbed his gun and aimed it. "Stop being witty and start shooting!" He yelled. Jill and Chris started shooting at it. It slowly walked towards them not seeming to care. Jill sighed. "That is so typical in a horror survival game…Bosses that don't want to die…" She said rather annoyed. Chris nodded and kept shooting as he ran for his life. "Yea! But the walking slow thing makes him scary!" Jill laughed. "I know right!"

Soon The creature dropped to the ground bleeding. "YAAY we won!" cheered Jill. Chris and Jill started Crump dancing. Barry got up and joined in doing the moon walk and singing. "We did it, we did it, oh yea! Yea! Yea!, no dying here tonight!" "No, no no!" chanted Jill and Chris and barry finished. "Cause we're aliiiive!" Rebecca sat up looking pissed. "Shut up! I'm trying to die in peace here!" Chris tackle hugged her. "Becky! Your alive!" Rebecca cheered.

Barry looked over at Wesker and checked his pulse. "Dead…What a way to go…" Chris punched Barry's arm. "I know right! Poor bastard!" He said laughing. Jill sighed. "Can we get out of here now!"

They all got in the elevator and went up.

Suddenly the alarms went off and a computer started speaking over the intercom. "Self destruct has been activated… All personnel head for the emergency helicopter pad where your S.T.A.R.S. pilot will pick you up with 7 large pepperoni pizza's." Chris pumped his fist into the air. "Score!" Jill rubbed her temples. "Oh god…Someone kill me now…." Barry pointed his gun but Jill knocked it away. "Not now Barry!" Barry pouted. "just thought I would help…" The elevator opened and they ran through the labs.

Just then a half fly half human creature crawled towards them screeching. "HOLY SHIT! It's Batman!" yelled Barry excitedly. Jill and Rebecca looked at him like he was retarded. Chris shook his head. "Barry…Even I'm not that stupid…Everyone knows that's Wonder Woman!" Rebecca snapped and screamed. "YOU'RE THE 3 PEOPLE I'M GOING TO MEET IN HELL!" Everyone stared as Rebecca loaded her pistol and started shooting at the on coming fly-men, and killed them all. Chris cheered. "Woo Becky!" Chris cheered and they continued until they reached the heli-pad elevator. They heard screetches, Barry and Rebecca nodded. "Go on ahead! We'll catch up!" Jill looked like she wanted to argue but Chris grabbed her and ran like hell. Rebecca stared. "He doesn't even care about us!"

Barry laughed. "Yup, that's Chris!" and they readied themselves.

Chris ran out of the elevator once it was open and set up the flare launcher he found conveniently placed in the hall. It fired into the sky. Jill watched with glistening eyes and clasped her hands together. "perty light!" The elevator opened and Barry walked out and was almost shot by Chris. "What the hell Chris!" he shouted. "Oops! Sorry Barry!" Rebecca ran out. "what happened?" sje screamed and dived for cover as she was almost shot by Chris. "Seriously!" she yelled. "Sorry Becky!" laughed Chris.

Suddenly the mansion trembled and the ground slip open. They leaned forward watching and the super mutant man jumped out and landed on the edge crouching on one knee… It slowly stood up. Chris readied his gun. "Come on!" He aimed his gun. It stepped forward but the edge it stood on broke away and it fell.

Chris and the others stared shocked. "Well….. That was easy.." Said Jill. They heard the Elevator open and looked and seen the super mutant man walk out. "Sorry about that guys…Now where were we?"

He asked. "The Final showdown I believe." Said Chris. "Oh yes…Silly me." Said the super mutant man. He started walking towards Chris and the others backed away. Chris ripped his shirt open. "If you think you can stand against the massive power of my rippling muscles then come at me!" He shouted baring his chest. Jill opened fire as the super mutant man charged. "Chris! Put your man fat away and shoot!"

Chris was swatted by the super mutant man's arm and slammed into the wall. "ah…ow…I'm okay…" He said standing up. Jill shouted. "Chris are you okay!" Barry sighed. "I'm more worried that Chris's thick head hurt the wall Jill…." Chris laughed and re buttoned his shirt. "Don't worry! My spare tire broke my fall!" Rebecca twitched and imagined shooting her self… "No…It's not worth it…"

Suddenly Brad flew over head. "Hey Chris! Whats up!" Barry was shooting the super mutant man. "Brad! Throw us the rocket launcher!" Brad smiled. "Okey dokey! OH! Hey Chris! My cell phone has full bars here!" Chris gasped. "REALLY!" Jill yelled "Brad! The rocket launcher!" Brad rolled his eyes. "Women just don't apreciate the important things in life…" He complained as he grabbed the rocket launcher. "Its always ooh help…I'm being impaled.." He mocked. "Here you go! Catch!" he threw the rocket launcher and it hit Rebecca on the head firing on impact. "Get down!" screamed Jill as she dived out of the way along with Barry. Chris watched as it zoomed passed his head. The super mutant man shouted "I will not die!" just before he exploded in an explosion of flames and gore..

XXX Helicopter XXX

Brad served the pizza as he piloted the chopper. "Anyone want some beer?" He noticed everyone was death glaring him. "Brad…You left us behind…." Said Jill. "Oh shit…" Said Brad and they beat the shit out of him and somehow didn't crash.

Author: "It's not over yet ladies and gentlepeople!"

XXX Wesker XXX

Shortly after the group ran out of the room Wesker stood up. "Back from the dead…." He said smugly. "And I feel better then ever…" He took off his sun glasses and dropped them on the ground. His horrible penetrated wound had been healed. He turned to the super computer and began typing. "Now… To get the top secret research data regarding the crabby patty secret formula…..Oh…And the virus…" The computer red "Access Denied" "WhaaAT!" shouted Wesker. The red queen appeared and Wesker simply shot the computer. "Shut up…I've read the script a zillion times…. " Just then the Self destruct sequence went off. "Oh my…This just gets more fun by the minute…" He walked over to the Elevator and found Lisa walking towards him. "Woa…Ever hear of makeup Lisa?" Lisa moaned. "Plaaay!" Wesker sighed. I suppose…" He handed her his survival knife. "Be sure to run real fast with it now…" He said and then ran past her and took the elevator to the top. He saw all the experiments were running loose. He pulled out his samurai edge and walked simply blowing them away with no trouble at all. "Amazing…Simply marvelous…My vision has been improved…I feel like one of those eye doctor people except I'm much cooler!…" He walked upto the door labeled Heli-pad. "Hmmm… No…. With my super human abilities I would never survive taking an elevator to freedom….Better go the long way…" He said and ran towards the mansion and ended up in the kitchen. "Hmm…That's odd…But whatever…" He kept walking and Lisa walked into the Kitchen with a knife impaled into her chest. "Knife no fun! Run fast! Fall hurt!" Wesker raised an eye brow. "hmm...I see…Try this…" He said handing her a grenade belt after pulling the pins out. Wesker ran up the stares and walked down the hall blowing away carnivore men. He heard a huge explosion from the basement and couldn't help but smirk.

A carnivore chef man grabbed Wesker. "Where my pay check!" he shouted. Wesker jumped and kicked him knocking him back and thrust punched him sending him hurdling down the hall. "You'll get your money Damnit! As soon as I get my god damn pickles I ordered!" Growled Wesker. He entered the dining hall and continued blowing away carnivore men. "You know… I wonder why I never seem to run out of ammo…." wondered Wesker out loud as he entered the entrance hall. Lisa entered through the main door moaning loudly. "How the hell did you….Bah…Seeing as how every single second could be the last before the mansion blows…And the fact it would be far too easy to run around her….Better do the smart thing and take a detour…" he said running up the grand staircase and into a door on the left. He laughed as he blew away more carnivore men. "I knew I was the only smart character in this game…"

He entered the next hall and ran down it seeing it was clear and down the spiral staircase. A lizard monster man jumped at him. "Raaarwr! I'm a scarey..-" Wesker blew him away before he was finished. "Yea yea…Barry beat you to the punch….stupid fur-fag…"

Author: "Hey! No dissing the furries!"

Wesker entered the next hall where the Jill sandwich room is located. He blew away several carnivore men several Lizard monster men and 1 carnival carni. "Damn party animals…" he mumbled. He entered the hall But Lisa was waiting. "Plaaaaaaay!" Wesker growled. "If I give you all my money will you leave me the hell alone!" He asked in an angry yet collected way. Lisa clapped and Wesker handed her his wallet. "Is this real leather?" She asked. Weskers eye twitched. "I know you don't really care…" He said and ran out of the white hall. "He knows me so well" Said Lisa and opened the wallet to count her money..

Wesker entered the entrance hall again. "Finally! After much necessary effort! I can get out of this god for saken Parody!" He turned and seen Lisa walk out. "What now…?" Lisa held up the money. "This is monopoly money…" She complained. Wesker sighed. "Sorry sweety…That's all your worth…" He said and shot the chandelier and it fell ontop of her. "Now be a good girl and stay dead…" He said and walked out as if he had all the time in the world. Then decided to run until the mansion exploded.

He turned to look at it and grinned. "Now….I will get some cranberry juice…A pudding cup….And take over the world!" He said and stared into the camera with evil yellow cat like eyes.

THE END OF RESIDENT EVIL 1 PARODY!

XXXX Comedy Comentary XXXX

2 things were borrowed WITH permission…Rocket launcher throw and brad being beaten up.

The rest is all me baby! Oh yea! Written over a long period of 3 weeks!

XXX Random Credits XXX

Characters:

Chris Redfield played by….. Chris Redfield

Jill Valentine played by…..Jill Valentine

Barry Burton played by….Tom Crues….just kidding…Barry Burton…

Joseph unknown Played by….. Joseph…..Duh..

Richard played by ….Who else but Richard?

Captain Enrico played by….WTF! Who cares! He was in one scene for gods sake!

Albert Wesker played …Holy crap!….His first name is Albert!

Forest played by….Do you even care?

Rebecca Chambers played by…Mistress Chambers who was secretly posing as a character to throw the authorities off her case after killing…..Bah…never mind….

ENEMIES:

Yawn or Giant snake provided by…. The crazy ass snake lovers society

Giant spiders provided by…..The producers of "Eight legged freaks" The movie!

Neptune and sharks provided by…Bass Pro Shop

Plant 42 provided by….. Random Tentacle Hentai website.

Carnivore men provided by…..Ye Old Morgue

Lizard monster men provided by….Random Furry Hentai website.

Cerberuses provided by….Rabid dog community

Fly men provided by…. Area 51 testing labs

Lisa Trevor provided by…Ugly orphan girl magazine

Super mutant man provided by…Local circus

CHARACTER DEATHS

Carnivor man 1 died when….Day of the crash

Carnivore man 2 died when….uhhh….The same day….?

Carnivore man 3 died when…Wha! Seriously! THE CRASH DAY!

Carnivore man 6 died when….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Carnivore man 9 died when…..Read my lips dum shit! THE CRASH DAY!

Carnivore man 12 died when….I'm ignoring you…..

Yawn was wounded with…..Finally…..It was with a gun of course….

Yawn fled when…-eye twitches- I hate you…..

Richard was eaten when…..The some time before yo momma found out she was a lesbian…..

Carnivore man 15 died from…..-growls- A GUN YOU IDIOT!

Carnivore man 16 was a….Oh yes, I knew him well…He was a lawyer for many years before he became a scientist for UMBRELLA…But if I said that I would be lying cause I DON'T KNOW!

XXXX KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR BONUS CHAPTER! ALTERNATE STORY SCENES! XXXX


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